I think, for some people, the heart takes on a burden early in life that may be unbearable. And over the years the heaviness of the burden causes the heart to collapse in upon itself, like a celestial black hole, until it has become a singularity of anger and bitterness that allows no light. So it was with my mother who, at the end of her time here on earth, knew no joy. Madeline L. Peel Wilson departed from this life at 9:45 am Sunday, Swazitime. We all pray that whatever burden she carried remained when her spirit flew.
Edward Lin was a very close friend of Joel's while we were at Gainesville. He recently learned of Joel's death and sent me a beautiful email which, I think, echoes the sentiments of Joel's friends in Petaluma. I thought I would post it here:
Alyson, I am so glad to have received your email. For the last two days, I've been crying on and off; at work, in class, on my bike, on the bus. There's just no stability because there's not really anybody to talk to about it. Thank you for giving me a connection to him. I miss him so much I feel sick; I miss what has happened and what should have happened. On Sunday night, I got bored of studying and looked up you and Joel to see what you two were up to. I was so excited to have found your site but as I read the first lines, this silent darkness just gripped my entire body right at the center. Everything just seems to lose its color and lustre. Nothing is exciting, nothing is fun. Important things last week no longer feels important. What does money mean if I can't spend it on my friends? We live through all grief holding the hands of our loved ones and we live through all joy sharing it with them. There's no survival and no joy without them. I loved Joel, I loved him so much. Good things just aren't as good now that I can't call him up and tell him about it. There are so many pictures yet to be taken, so many experiences; 21st birthdays, graduations, weddings, trips, days of birth... There are good people in this world, just genuinely nothing less than good hearted people. And Joel was one of the few. Joel was a good man. He had a lot to contribute. The newspaper article was right; Joel was so generous with the little that he had. he had heart, courage, strength, sympathy, kindness. He was always the first to charge into the unknown. Once a long time ago, he and I were walking and there was a bee's nest on the ground. He wanted to mess with it and I told him not to, I told him that the bees would get him. But he did it anyways, he did it and this bee came straight at my face and stung me under the eye. Now, he's off again. Look at that, twelve, thirteen years. We went from being little wildchildren running around Corry to growing up into men. 12 years, more than half my life knowing Joel's got my back. I'm so used to that; knowing that he would be part of the foundation of the house that is my life. I wish I had the chance be at the memorial, to somehow really show him how much I loved him. All of a sudden he's gone. I feel like his flight departed and I wasn't there to kiss him and hug him. Like there was this big going away party and I was too busy to show up. What a sin, Alyson, just.. .what a fucking crime. I wish I was there with you and his other friends to wish him off and let him go. Now I am at the airport, looking everywhere. Where is my Joel? I wish I could explode so he could see all the love I have for him light up the sky! It is such an honor to be a best friend to Joel. I'm just so proud of him; of what he became and what he was going to become. We expected great things from each other. I hope I can live up to his hopes and do the things, make the contributions he never had a chance to make. Alyson, all my grief is nothing compared to yours. I feel shame in lamenting and crying to you. How dare I. But there's nobody else. And I guess I feel that through you, Joel will somehow hear me and know. It helps set things straight in my heart. There's so much to sort out. Even though we didn't speak very often, I knew and I think that he knew that whenever and wherever we got back together, we'd be boys. When I went to visit, nothing changed. We just kinda kept going with no lag. In honor of Joel, in the love that we both share for him, please consider me a second son to you and let me try my best to do for you what he is not able to. I cannot replace him. But I loved him, you loved him, so I love you. If you need anything, please let me know. I mean that as a son to a mother. I will always be reading your journal and thinking of you. Love, Edward Y. Lin
Through the looking glass 2/23/05
am back in swaziland now. feels like I am slipping back and forth between alternative realities. will post more next week. ap
A state of mind 2/28/05
During my brief visit home to deal with my mother’s passing, people expressed much concern about my emotional well being in the face of so much suffering here. I need to try to explain some things about myself so that people don’t worry so much. After Joel died I thought is was simply a miracle, a blessing beyond belief, that I could cry again. Losing Joel gave a whole new meaning to “having a bad day” and everything else seemed ephemeral. But cry I did and cry I do. My emotions are somewhat difficult to explain, however, and have something to do with the changes that occurred in my center after losing Joel as well as from my daily meditation and yoga practice. I find that I experience the same emotions, maybe even sharper, deeper. The difference is that I am able to experience the depth of the feelings but I don’t hold on to them any longer than I need to. So I am able to give myself over to the agonizing unnecessary death of a young man in Swaziland and feel his loss completely, but I am also able to get up the next day and move through my life with joy and amazement. Mundane moments take on new life now and it is enough sometimes simply to sit with someone who is sick and acknowledge that, without clinging to the need to make them better. I understand that sometimes people just need to be seen, really seen, in their entirety. And they need to know you see them. And so you take the small successes when you can and those become enough not only to sustain you but to lift you to new heights. The large picture here is overwhelming, but small victories occur every day if you are open to seeing them. Joel did that for me. He looks through my eyes and smiles through my lips and, even with the bad, it can be “all good” in a way that I just cannot explain.
No comments:
Post a Comment